Our Vraja-Mandala Parikrama 2018 under the guidance of our dear Shrila Gurudev Shri Prem Prayojan Prabhu came to an end a few weeks ago. Coming back from the whole month of Karthik in Vrindavan to snowy Russia is like changing dimensions and traveling from one world to another, a completely different one.

In that other world of Vraja-Mandala pilgrimage you are also another person who is capable by the mercy of Shri Guru of waking up every morning at 4:30, patiently chanting japa in one place, listening to extremely fine sublime Hari katha (transcendental discourses) twice a day, living and traveling in quite austere conditions and yet being full of energy and desire to try to do some devotional service. Only in the presence of a pure Vaishnava like our dear Gurudev such transformation can take place.

Having returned some time ago to an ordinary world and an ordinary version of myself, it is not easy to dare to touch the memories of that ethereal beautiful dimension of life in the Holy Dham with Shrila Gurudev and all the devotees. Still I would like to try and share a few personal impressions for the pleasure of Shri Guru and Vaishnava. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Our astonishing Vraja-Mandala parikrama was full of miraculous moments and fascinating adventures. On the first day of Karthik, we took sankalpa at Keshi Ghat, praying for our vrata (vow) to be successful, and our journey began.

In the beginning of one of the classes Shrila Gurudev said that the best type of hearing is attentively listening Shrimad Bhagavatam from the lotus lips of a Vraja-rasika-vaishnava, sitting at his feet. During this month of Karthik, by Gurudev’s causeless mercy we were just inundated with opportunities to do so!

For the whole month we had the chance to hear the most sublime and confidential rasa-lila katha from Shri Achyuta Lal Bhatta Gosvami, a great Vaishnava whose family line was empowered to speak Shrimad Bhagavatam by Shri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu Himself. Or rather, Shrila Gurudev who was really hearing and relishing it mercifully allowed us to be there and purify ourselves by the sound of this katha. Every morning Shri Achyuta Lal Bhatta Ji would come to our Anand Dham Gaudiya Ashram (our temple & guest-house) and immerse us in the flow of unimaginable transcendental beauty. Even though we are not qualified listeners, Maharaj was very kind to us and spoke in such a sweet, picturesque and natural way that everybody could follow and become absorbed. We heard a very detailed, scientifically thorough, yet heart-melting and incredibly touching narration of how everything in the lilas of Krishna and His beloved Vraja-gopis and, above all, Shrimati Radhika is a manifestation of the highest prem (divine love), not kam (wordly lust). Shrila Gurudev gave beautiful introductions to each lecture and answered our questions after the classes, explaining very fine points and adding newer and newer fascinating dimensions to what we had heard.

A few times Shri Vishnu Sastri Ji, a very exalted Vaishnava and a connoisseur of Shrimad Bhagavatam, visited us and spontaneously spoke Hari katha in Hindi which Shrila Gurudev then kindly translated into English. It was very exciting to witness their beautiful and joyful exchanges! Hearing them recite verses, explain how they are interrelated and go into deeper and deeper meanings, we could only wonder how Shrimad Bhagavatam reveals its secrets to pure Vaishnavas who can truly relish its treasures and how much bliss it must bring.

In the beginning of our parikrama Shrila Gurudev gave us a very profound and confidential explanation of Dhama tattva, the principles of the Holy Realm manifested on earth, so that we could at least get a slight idea of the unlimited glories of Vraja Dhama. Providing references from scriptures and citing the commentaries of our Acharyas (predecessors) that are not even available in English, Gurudev established the unprecedented position and the specialty of Vraja on Earth, explained the relation of Gokula and Goloka, and revealed a very secret dimension of Goloka in the spiritual world which is only available to those who follow the line of Shri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu.

Now, having heard about the glories of the Holy Dhama, we proceeded to perform our Vraja-mandala parikrama. Shri Krishna gave a blessing to Narada Muni that anyone who hears about His pastimes in the places where they occur will attain prem, pure divine love of God. To help us benefit from this blessing, Shrila Gurudev mercifully took us to numerous transcendental holy places around Vraja-mandala, following in the footsteps of Shri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and our Guru-parampara. Shrila Gurudev was truly performing parikrama – we just tried to be in anugatya, following his guidance and to see the Dhama with our ears.

On the Divine Disappearance Day of Shrila Bhaktiprajnana Keshava Gosvami Maharaja we travelled to Mathura. We visited Vishram Ghat, Akrura’s house, Kubja bhavan and the wrestling arena where Krishna had killed Kamsa Maharaj. We also went to Keshavji Gaudiya Math – a very significant place for our line, where Shrila Prabhupada Bhaktivedanta Svami wrote his first book in English and received sannyas (the renounced order of life) from our Shrila Bhaktiprajnana Keshava Gosvami Maharaj.

Shrila Gurudev took us to Belvan where Lakshmi Devi, the Goddess of Fortune, desiring to take part in rasa-lila (Krishna´s dance of Love), has been performing her austerities for thousands of years, but which have not yet borne fruit. This pastime teaches us that no one can cross the barrier of aishvarya-jnana (awe & reverence) and attain Vraja-prem (divine love in pure sweetness) without taking shelter and being in anugatya (guidance) of Vraja-gopis (the transcendental milkmaids). However, by Shri Krishna’s causeless mercy we are granted a chance to do so by serving our Guru and Guru-parampara (our previous masters).

At Bhramanda-ghat we heard about the sweet childhood lilas of Krishna and the intensity of vatsalya-prem (divine motherly love) of Yashoda Maiya. We visited the place where little Krishna had knocked down the two arjuna trees with the grinding motor and had given prem to Nalakuvera and Manigriva (the sons of Kubera). It was an incredible experience to sing Damodarastaka and to offer our deeps (ghee lamps) to little Krishna right there. We even got a chance to rock baby Krishna’s cradle in Nanda Bhavan (His father´s house)! Shrila Gurudev also took us to Raval, the birthplace of Shrimati Radhika (the Supreme Potency), where we had an astonishing darshan (vision) of Bala Gopali, beautiful baby Radha.

Continuing our journey, we travelled to the samadhi-garden of Rasa Khan, the most famous Vaishnava poet who composed in Vraja-basha (the local dialect). Shrila Gurudev recited some of his beautiful touching poems reflecting the sweetness and intimacy of the mood of Vraja:

shesha, mahesha, ganesha, dinesha, sureshahu jahi nirantara gavain

jahi anadi ananta akhanda acheda abheda su veda batavain

narada se suka vyasa rahain pachi hare tau puni para na pavain

tahi ahira ki chochariyan chachiya bhari chacha pai nacha nachavain

“Ananta Shesh, Lord Shiva, Ganesh, Sun God & Indra are continuously singing the glories of Parabrahma, the Supreme Truth. They say that He has no beginning and no end, He is indivisible, non-dual, cannot be separated or reduced; everything is non-different from Him, and all the Vedas are glorifying Him. Narada Muni, Shrila Vyasadev and Sukadev Gosvami are constantly glorifying Him until they become exhausted, and still they cannot come to the end of His glories. But in Vraja, the elderly gopis can make that Parabrahma in form of a little Bala Gopal dance for a palmful of buttermilk!”

One of our most exciting adventures was a full-day parikrama to Varsana. We walked around its beautiful hills with loud ecstatic Harinam sankirtan (congregational chanting of the Holy Names of God) and made stops to hear about Radha and Krishna’s joyful pastimes with Their associates, to become absorbed in the mood of those transcendental places. We were amazed to hear the glories of man-tattva (transcendental contrarieness) in Man Mandir.

Shrila Gurudev took us to Nandagaon, Yavat, Vrinda-kunda and Uddhava Kyari and spoke about Uddhava witnessing the highest love of Vraja-gopis in separation from Krishna. We were fortunate to visit Prem Sarovar, Man Sarovar and Krishna-kunda, a place of extreme separation and incredible joy of meeting of Krishna and Vrajavasis. We also went to Bandirvan and Vamsivat where many beautiful pastimes in sakhya rasa (transcendental friendship) and madhurya rasa (transcendental conjugl love) took place. Full of deep and confidential meanings, these lilas also contain many important teachings for us.

By Gurudev’s mercy we completed Vrindavana parikrama, following in the footsteps of Shri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. And one day we set out for Govardhana parikrama, taking shelter of Giriraj Govardhan and praying for his mercy. Gurudev instructed us to carefully examine our desires and petitions and reassured us that he would pray to Giriraj on our behalf to ignore all the petty wishes that might arise in our hearts and to only give us the highest gift possible, the treasure of prema-seva (service in divine-love) to Shri-Shri Radha-Krishna :-)

As we visited these and many other transcendental places, Shrila Gurudev spoke astonishing Hari katha about touching and incredibly sweet pastimes of Radha and Krishna and Their associates, starting with Their birth and childhood up to the kishore lilas (youthful pastimes). Everywhere we went, we heard of the most wonderful lilas which are eternally taking place there – lilas which represent nothing but the exchange of pure selfless love of Krishna and His dearest Vrajavasis (inhabitants of Vraja).

Throughout the whole parikrama (pilgrimage), while describing various pastimes or clarifying siddhanta (philosophical conclusions), Shrila Gurudev has always highlighted the two most important qualities of Shri Krishna: bhakta-vatsalata and prema-vasyata, affection for His devotees and being under complete control of their prem.

Shrila Gurudev said that prem is only fully manifested in Vraja, and we prayed to its holy dust that one day these pastimes may  manifest before our eyes. We heard from Shri Vishnu Sastriji how even Lord Shiva, Lord Brahma and Lakshmi Devi want to take shelter of that dust and place it on their heads. How can we possibly be able to appreciate the gift of being there and being able to pray to the holy dust of Vraja? The idea of such infinite and causeless mercy just cannot be contained in our minds.

Even though we are unqualified and offensive and cannot see the Holy Dhama with our material vision, we tried to perform our parikrama in anugatya, under the guidance of our dear Shrila Gurudev whose kindness and generosity have no limits. Still it is necessary that we develop faith that his prayers on our behalf must surely be heard.

We celebrated Yamuna Puja, Gopastami, Deepavali and, of course, Govardhana Puja in the most beautiful and ecstatic way. No doubt, Annakut Mahotsav is one of the happiest days of the year! Since early morning everyone got busy making all kinds of preparations. Then we set off with a joyful kirtan carrying the baskets filled with delicious dishes on our heads to make an offering to Giriraj Govardhan just like Vrajavasis did, as advised by Shri Krishna. Gurudev himself painted our most beautiful Giriraj. With a big smile on His face, He mercifully appeared before our eyes to accept our preparations, and we had a great celebration!

During the month Karthik Shrila Gurudev traditionally gives classes on Damodarastaka – a nitya-siddha eternal prayer that manifested in the heart of Shri Satyavrata Muni as he was progressing through the stages of his bhajan (loving service to God). Its first word and mangalacarana, namamishvaram, tells us that we must start at the beginning – by recognizing our fallen condition and fully surrendering to the Supreme Lord. This beautiful prayer gives us priceless instructions on doing bhajan, and Shrila Gurudev carefully shared them with us verse by verse.

We were reminded that our success in spiritual life depends on two factors: our own endeavours and mercy of Krishna coming through Guru. Among other points, Shrila Gurudev spoke on the qualification for vaidi-bhakti and for raganuga-bhakti. Gurudev explained to us the meaning of real spiritual greed so we don’t get confused by the usage of words and don’t fall prey to sentimental speculations. Lobha, spiritual greed, manifests from internal realization that comes from hearing from Vraja-rasika-Vaishnavas (devotees who taste the pure divine of Vraja). Therefore, the only way to attain it is Sadhu sanga. Shrila Gurudev stressed the importance of being under the guidance of a Vaishnava realized in raga-marg (the path of following the perfected moods of the eternal residents of transcendental Vraja), the glory of Nam sankirtan, and the ultimate necessity of sadhu sanga (saint association) at every stage of our spiritual journey. Gurudev discussed the specialties of bhajan and the stages of sadhana (practice), bhava (sprouting divine love) and prema (fully blossomed divine love), and explained how one can advance from one phase to another. Complete surrender and total sacrifice, engaging all ones assets in the service of Shri Guru is how one can attain bhava through association of a pure devotee. Taking us along with him on Shri Satyavrata Risi’s spiritual journey, Gurudev spoke on the higher and higher aspirations of a devotee whose realizations become deeper until he reaches the highest destination of love, bowing down to prem which makes the  impossible possible, and thus ultimately bowing down to Shrimati Radhika. In a very strong and heartfelt way Gurudev told us that prem is the supreme attainment for a human being and that we shouldn’t agree for anything less.

We sang Damodarastaka every day as a part of our vrata (vow) in an attempt to offer our hearts to Krishna. One month usually is a long time, yet it  seemed that it flew by in a second, actually it didn’t. Every day was like a lifetime with its highs and lows. Standing in front of the most beautiful Thakurji (worshippable deity) in Anand Dham and reflecting on the impressions we had received during the day, every evening we prayed in a different way with a different mood. Though, of course, everyone can only speak for themselves. We must have faith that every rise and fall and every obstacle, external or internal, are a part of the most wonderful journey that we take up and walk by the mercy of Shri Guru, following in his footsteps of divine love.

Towards the end of our stay in Vrindavan, Shrila Gurudev gave a series of classes so powerful, scientifically precise and simply mind-blowing that it is not easy to find an appropriate title other than “How the world functions” or “What everything is really all about”. Grandeur and boldness of Gurudev’s thinking just don’t cease to amaze. Providing evidence from sastras, Gurudev analyzed the role of Paramatma (Supersoul), jiva (the living entities), svabhava (aquired nature), karma (action), what ahankar (the false ego) really is, how Maya makes us see the world in dualities, and how all these elements are connected. We can listen to these classes over and over again in  hope to gradually digest them, as this transcendental knowledge will surely strengthen our faith in the path of bhakti. Only bhakti, the process of turning our attention to serving the Lord, can truly remove avidya (ignorance). Bhakti can help us leave darkness and come to the light – service of  Shri Krishna, the spiritual Sun (Krishna surya sama Maya andhakar ...).

One of the most powerful experiences was hearing Shrila Gurudev and other wonderful Vaishnavas like Shripad Nemi Maharaj, Krishna Chandra Prabhu, Drishta Prabhu and Aristanashana Prabhu offer their sraddha-pushpanjali at the lotus feet of Shrila Prabhupada on his Divine Disappearance Day.

Shrila Gurudev invited respected speakers to kindly share their personal experience of association with Shrila Prabhupada, and also spoke in conclusion. Only a pure Vaishnava can truly understand the glories of another pure Vaishnava. However, what we heard was full of such simplicity and grandeur, immense power and love between the pure devotees, intimate sweet family-like relations, sacrifice and devotion, that nobody could remain indifferent.

Perhaps, when we hear stories of great personalities of Vedic times, sages or kings who did great austerities and accomplished heroic deeds, we are not very moved because we feel some distance and sometimes may think – well, they are saints, and it was a long time ago. On the contrary, there are days when we hear of the Acharyas of our line like Shrila Prabhupada and Shrila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami who manifest their supreme grace and compassion to us by descending to this plane. With all their power, confidential bhavas (moods) and unparalleled position as Radha and Krishna’s closest associates, they come to us within the reach of a hand, ready to deliver us, to accept our awkward attempts of service, to guide us, to support us. And when we hear about it, it touches our hearts so much and inspires us. We can never thank Gurudev enough who mercifully gives us this opportunity again and again.

Shrila Gurudev said that Vaishnavas are always there to inspire us, to support us, to instruct us. We just need to keep chanting, hearing and serving to keep this connection. We must hold on to them tightly just like a small child holds his father’s hand, because this is how things really are.

Finally, there was another very important part of our Vraja-mandala parikrama: dramas. Our dear sutradara (director) Devakar prabhu expertly directed three most beautiful transcendental performances. Especially one of them, the drama of Shrila Raghunatha Das Gosvami remembering the love of Shrimati Radhika in separation from Krishna, has touched our hearts. Shrila Gurudev was very moved and told us that seeing this astonishing manifestation of the spiritual world must have been the fruit of our parikrama. Gurudev shared how important it is for him to somehow or other bring us to Vrindavan where we can hear the glories of this unparalleled prem and realize that the only goal of our life is to drown in the ocean of love of Shrimati Radhika. Shrimati Radhika is the predominating deity of the month of Karthik. With all our efforts, prayers, our vrata and niyam-seva (special services) during this month we tried to please her and her beloved Shri Krishna and to develop a strong desire to become her maidservants. May this desire appear in our hearts by the mercy of Shri Guru, grow stronger and stronger and bear fruit one day.

Each of the days of our Vraja-mandala parikrama with Shrila Gurudev felt like a lifetime and just cannot be expressed by words. If we are fortunate, we can maybe digest a drop of this ocean by the end of this life. There were so many more wonderful moments in our simple and very happy life in Vrindavan. Chanting japa with Shrila Gurudev every morning, attending mangala-arati and gaura-arati, offering deeps to Krishna and singing Damodarastaka all together… One of the greatest treasures of being on Parikrama is associating with the devotees. In spite of a very busy schedule, all the members of our wonderful spiritual family did so much loving service: cooking for Shrila Gurudev, preparing delicious salads for all the devotees, participating in dramas, decorating & cleaning the altar room, carrying the equipment, helping with health concerns and doing so many other unseen things. I pray to attain their service mood one day. What to speak of our dear Gurumata who organized the whole Parikrama with all the logistics in a very smooth way, expertly translated Hari katha (the divine discourses) and took care of all of us with so much love and affection.

What remains is to express gratitude to our dear Shrila Gurudev who lovingly takes care of us like a father and leads us to our only true destination with every kirtan (song), every japa (meditation), every Hari katha (discourse), every darshan (audience), and every step of our parikrama. It is impossible to imagine how much service Gurudev does every day, showing us the example of complete surrender, selfless service and uncompromising preaching, full of compassion and affection for everyone. Gurudev so generously showered his mercy on us and planted so many deep transcendental samskaras (impressions) in our hearts without any discrimination. Every day Gurudev was blessing us with his association, nourishing us, instructing us and supporting us. I don’t know how my heart should expand to feel the gratitude a tiny lost jiva should feel when someone for no reason out of compassion allows it to come into contact with the Supreme transcendental truth, beauty  and love like Shrila Gurudev did at every moment of our Vraja-mandala parikrama. But whatever gratitude I have, I offer it at the lotus feet of our dear Gurudev and pray that it manifests in holding on to them tightly in and serving his mission.

My pranams to Shrila Gurudev and all the Vaishnavas.

Madhavi dasi